The blahs

I haven't felt like blogging since my kitten was killed. Almost five days now since it happened, and the raw edge is off my grief. But those first three days were pretty bad, and I still miss her a lot. The worst moments have been remembering the last time I saw her alive, sitting outside by my car ... and realizing that if I'd only brought her inside right then, she'd probably still be alive.

My dogs seem to have forgotten about the kitten already, but my other cat hasn't. He still looks for her, inside and outside, and meows loudly when he can't find her. I know he needs a new companion, so -- surprised at myself that I could even face this so soon after losing my other kitten -- I'm starting to answer ads on Freecycle and craigslist for kittens that need homes.

I've had a few moments these past five days when I badly wanted the pseudo-company of the TV, but mercifully, they all passed quickly. My abstinence seems remarkably resilient so far; 3-1/2 weeks now, and two big emotional crises, and I haven't turned the damn thing on again yet.

But ... I know I'm just in that first eye of the storm that I've been through with all of my addictions. I've fought the initial battle, the withdrawal. I'm relieved to be free of all the bad things that watching TV was doing to me, and happy with myself for getting through the 3-1/2 weeks. I'm in a calmer place, and it's good. But I haven't begun my real recovery yet, and if I don't get on with it, the storm will come right back on top of me. (It probably will anyway, eventually ... but the farther I'm into my recovery, the better I'll weather that.)

So, stay tuned. Recovery marcheth on.