What else sucks?

You know what else sucks besides grief and loneliness? Depression, that's what. Depression sucks mightily. I feel so much at the mercy of my body, or my mind, or whatever combination it is that creates my depression. Sometimes the smallest things bring me down.

I got another cat last night. That was fast, huh? Well, I answered an ad on the Freecycle group here, and it just came together right away. Her health was questionable -- she was a stray, she was skinny, and she had obviously had a litter of kittens very recently -- but she grabbed my heart, and I decided to take a chance on her. I took her to the vet today, prepared for some pretty bad news, but it turns out she's fine. All her blood tests came back negative. She's had a worming treatment and her first shots, and I got her microchipped, and she's scheduled to be spayed in a little over three weeks, as soon as her mammaries return to normal.

That's all great news, yes? I should be happy, yes? But I'm not, because in my depression, what I keep focusing on is that my other animals aren't reacting well to the new cat. Well, duh, that's what always happens. Some distant part of my rational mind knows that. It also knows that I know how to work with the animals to overcome this, and it's just a matter of time and patience. But the depressive part of my mind overrides that, and here I sit, feeling miserable.

The depression seems to leak out all over everything else, too. I keep feeling that my animals are depressed too, and they're moping around waiting for me to pull them out of it.

Fuck my MTV, I want my TV. I want my security blanket, my 24-hour, 50-channel drug. I want to deaden the sadness and loneliness and depression. I want to not think and feel so much. Remember that Pink Floyd line? "I have become / comfortably numb." I want to go back into my comfortable numbness.

I won't, at least not tonight. But I want to.

If it were earlier in the day I'd make some coffee to give me a boost. But it's late, so instead I'm going to take my dog out for a good long walk, and then have a session on the Gazelle. I'm not scheduled for that 'til tomorrow -- I'm building up my time on it slowly -- but maybe the workout will help lift me up too.

Fun blog, huh?