A first "meeting"

Hi. I'm Chris S., and I'm a TV addict.

And I don't mean that in the everyday, tongue-in-cheek sense of the term. I'm really addicted. Watching TV is a drug for me, and I use it to medicate emotional pain -- the pain of loneliness, of feeling that I'm a failure, of feeling that life isn't worth living.

I'm addicted to other things too, and I've been recovering from them in 12-Step groups for more than eight years now. But TV feeds all of my other addictions, and so it's time for me to face it directly. Unfortunately -- as far as I know -- there is no such group as TV Addicts Anonymous, either one that meets in person or one that meets on the Internet. I can talk about my TV addiction in the groups that I already go to, but it's not the same as talking to someone with the same addiction.

So ... here I am, just me and my blog. I could write my thoughts on my own computer, and private journalling is a great thing. But I'm blogging instead in the hope that others will find their way here, and that this will become more than just a conversation with myself. (And my Higher Power, of course.) I'm not intending to actually start a group called TV Addicts Anonymous, although if that were to happen, great. I just want to find others who are struggling with the same thing, in the hope that we can help each other start to recover. However, I do intend to run this blog in much the same way that a 12-Step meeting would be conducted, with the same traditions about sharing, feedback, and crosstalk. For those not familiar with these traditions, I'll write about them soon, as well as modeling them in what I write and how I conduct myself in this blog.

It's early Monday morning as I write this, and I have just completed two days of complete abstinence from TV. On Friday, as usual, I had the TV on almost the entire day, turning it off only when I left the house, when I slept in the middle of the day, and when a friend dropped by. Aside from those interruptions, I watched TV continuously from about 10 AM Friday morning to 1:30 AM Saturday morning. Deducting that 6 hours of interruptions, yesterday was 9-1/2 hours of TV -- a mighty short day for me.

When I got up Saturday morning, something inside me -- a little voice of disgust and self-loathing, propped up by a little more inner strength than usual -- said, "Don't turn on the TV yet. Just leave it off for awhile." Well, a little while has now stretched into almost 48 hours. I can't take the credit for this achievement ... I know how many times in the past I've tried to break this addiction, and failed. If I could have gotten out of this addiction with will power, I would have done so a long time ago. Besides, I didn't plan this; it just happened. And so I must credit my Higher Power -- my God -- for this abstinence. My God has helped me achieve many things that I couldn't have on my own, especially in the 8-1/2 years since I started my 12-Step recovery, so this is no surprise. But I am incredibly grateful, and I will carry that gratitude into my prayers, thoughts, and dreams tonight.

So, I mean for this blog to be -- even if no one else ever visits or reads it -- a tool for my own recovery from TV addiction. I am committing myself to be radically honest about my addiction: how I struggle with it, what I think and feel, the problems and slips I have along the way, and the insights I have along the way too. Because even if no other person ever reads this, my God will always be watching, and reading, and -- as always -- loving me no matter what happens. The best way I can honor His-Her love and care for me is to be as completely, proactively honest as I can. I'll do my best here, God. Always.

I have much more to write, but it's late ... I'm going to eat, practice my guitar awhile, take care of my animals, and fall in.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things that I cannot change
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm Chris S., thanks for listening. And I'm open to feedback.